The weirdest things give me anxiety in Hawaii. Things I was 100% confident in when I lived in Colorado. For example, teaching Lulu how to swim. Stresses me out. I taught all my girls how to swim. I used to be a lifeguard/swim instructor in my youths (said like Schmidt). We had a neighborhood pool that was calm, clean, and filled with sweet fresh water. I spent many a mornings letting the girls sit on the steps, blowing bubbles, practicing back floats, and putting their faces in the water. From a young age they would swim short distances from my arms to the wall.
Here, I think about how I’m going to teach my almost two year old how to swim in the OCEAN. Like how. With little to no access to a pool here, unless we make friends with our neighbors…which we haven’t yet. Or move into the Hilton, which Pablo isn’t going for that.
Seasons in life are so much like this for me. I know how to be a good friend, but how do I do that in Hawaii with so few friends. We are about to have to a birthday party, but my best isn’t here to hang decorations with me. I also think about how I’m doing life here without my mom. Life is generally the same day to day, but it’s a lot harder to navigate without her help. Definitely not as sweet. I have to do a lot of life in new ways and often alone.
People have to do this everyday. My newly divorced friend just got her own apartment. Now paying the bills alone and being a single mom. My sorority sister said goodbye to her stillborn baby and had to walk away from the hospital as the world around her continued on. My cousin had to learn life without her mom as she passed away just days before girls a few days before Christmas.
It’s hard, trying to live life and do the things we always do but in our “new normal”. It takes time to adjust and really will never be the same as it used to be.
There is no side wall for Lulu to jump off to me. The water is rough and salty. The waves make it nearly impossible to show her how to relax and float and get comfortable in the water.
Similarly, life is all about riding the salty waves, being resourceful, stronger, resilient, and persistent despite how daunting our new normal is. Lulu will have to learn to swim in a different environment than her big sisters did. Just I will have to endure holidays without my family.
The view and water are different now. It’s saltier and rougher, but when we look around the view is so much better. The water is larger, bluer, and the possibilities endless.
I am right where I am supposed to be. I’m the deep waters.
“When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you.” Isaiah 43:2